foes i know

When the revolution comes - and it's inevitable at this point - I will likely be the first to be taken and questioned, due to the popularity of this blog read by 4 people. It wouldn't take much for me to crack. All they'd need is a little imagination, really, and one of the following: 1) Robitussin - It is my belief that Robitussin is basically a legalized, modern-day poison sold in a convenient bottle at an easy-to-reach shelf at Duane Reade stores everywhere. Unfortunately, it also works miracles. I can't go near the straight liquid form (it gets into my teeth and requires me to chew 6 pieces of bread after). And so every cold season, I find myself buying the capsules (which are filled with the good stuff) and then trying to take down the grape-sized pills. Just last week I forced myself to take two capsules. By the time I finished, I had drooled all over myself, soaked my shirt in water and squirted hand lotion on a paper plate.

2) A PBS fundraising special - Every now and then when you can't find anything on TV, you'll somehow land on PBS. You'll want to change the channel, but suddenly you can't look away. Something about the 1970's set and the whiskey-colored blazers everyone is wearing. Before you know it, you've been sucked into watching hosts from the year 1911 make jokes about antique sewing machines ("Boy, this Singer sewing machine sure can hum, Elaine. So why not donate today?") and get lost in program clips like "Dance: The Story of Russia's Countryside" or "Tomatoes: A really old man's recipe show." Six hours later, you'll find yourself weary and confused and cooking a whole tomato in beef broth.

3) The sound of soggy cereal being chewed - Perhaps there's no sound more annoying than the sound of someone chewing on soggy Raisin Bran in skim milk. I can hear every nook and cranny being chewed, processed and digested. It is enough for me to spill the secrets of my great Turkish eyebrows.

4) The Butcher of Rockland County - Whenever I go home-home to visit my parents in Rockland, NY, I usually get my nails done at this local place. And, when fate is frowning upon me, I get stuck with the Rita.* She's the reason my hands look like I got in a ruthless thumb war with Drago from Rocky IV. Rita saws off every possible cuticle and digs into my nails with the force of one of those wood logs they use to break down the doors to a castle. She also happens to have the largest and sweatiest hands I've ever seen in the state of New York (come to think of it, she may actually be Drago from Rocky IV). So my hands feel like they've been bullied, beaten down and then dipped in a salt water.

5) Peaches - Even writing about the fur on peaches makes me want to hide in a corner and hum Billy Joel's "She's Got a Way" until the pain goes away. I feel the same way about velvet, unpolished porcelain and those wooden spoons that come with Italian Ice. It gives me the "shivers" I like to say whenever someone offers me a peach or a wooden utensil.

*Name changed as I'm pretty sure "Rita" will be part of the revolution and would over-file my pinky nails if she ever found out about this.